The Tale Of The Court Magus And The Invasion

The king stood and looked out from the battlements, his commander to his right, his court magus to his left. Below him, armies numbering in tens of thousands march towards his castle, seeking his destruction and to claim his land under their banner.

The land shook in tempo to the marching.

"Magus."

"Sire."

"As you can see, the invaders outnumber us over ten to one. Our men, even the stoutest of hearts, cannot hope to hold out for long in this war."

The commander's lips, pressed together in a grim smile.

"I do not wish to lose a single man, magus. I ask for your assistance now because you are the only factor that may help turn the tide of this war in our favour. The enemy has no magic-users, all have been recalled back by your magic-user's Council."

"The Council will not partake in war and wanton destruction. I am allowed to stay with you because of my reputation for nonviolence, and because I am not learned in any form of destructive magic."

"So will you cannot help us?"

"Why are you still here then, magus?!" barked the commander, unkindly.

"I can, sire. That is why I am here, good commander."

"War will soon be upon us. Their troops will soon be within firing range of our arrows. And that would put us in their firing range too. We cannot stay here long," the commander commented. "Whatever spell you may have up your sleeve, you'd best do it soon."

"I've already made preparations."

Two servants appeared carrying a bucket filled with water and ice.

"And it is time to begin. Stand behind me, please."

The king stood slightly behind the mage, and the commander behind the king. The magus took off his shoes and stepped into the bucket, with a sharp intake of breath at the coldness of the water.

A wave of the arms. Gestures. Some, in fact, were very suggestive and explicit. The king raised an eyebrow. Are magic-users sworn to celibacy? he wondered.

"They are coming!" growled the commander.

"Yes, they are..." muttered the magus.

Then, a silent shockwave! The king tottered. The commander jerked and blushed. One of the servants who stood too close to the trio moaned and fainted.

In front of them, out on the battlefield, legion after legion collapsed, prostrate and twitching as if they were in terrible pain. Some of those in the front lines could be seen holding on to their groinal regions, as if they had been kicked in the valuables. Collective moans and groans rose up to the battlements.

Beneath the magus, the water had sizzled and evaporated into steam, leaving the bucket empty.

"Wha...what just happened?" faltered the king.

"I thought you said you have no destructive spells, magus. It looks as if you had dealt a mighty blow to everyone out there."

"While I may be adverse to doing harm and violence, commander, I understand that you will have your duty to do. You should bring your forces to subdue the enemy in whatever way you see fit now, while they are rendered incapable of anything else."

"Yes, commander, get your forces out there," panted the king, straightening up. "Remember that our prisons aren't very big, though, commander, to house all who are out there now."

"Understood, sire." The commander took his leave. The king turned back to the magus.

"What I felt definitely did not feel injurious in any way, magus. I suppose I did stand a little too close to you. What did your spell actually do, magus?"

"Every one of them out there, sire, is experiencing intense multiple orgasms that will last for about an hour."

"By the gods!"