Thursday, August 20, 2009

Janvier Soldat And The Ass-Drilling Workout

Today, we had otousan lift our weight, then heard him moan and make assorted sex noises, then proceeded to have him blow us.

And it reminded us of DanHen's phrase when he took Amiable Aix for a ride. After DanHen had had Aix work out on resistance machines, free weights and other assorted exercises, which we missed as we were late, we were told by DanHen that he gave Aix an ass-drilling.

And so happens that we bumped into otousan today when we're halfway through our workout. Being the hyper gung-ho fler that he is he wanted us to work out with him (and to show him what we've been doing too).

Don't mind the fact that we're a lightweight fellow barely weighing 60kg, and he's much more stronger than us.

Starts off with the chest incline resistance machine and we're telling him to go for heavier weights, specifically the heaviest he could do just 6 reps. Male ego and gungho meant that instead of working his way up to the appropriate weight, he straightaway set for 55kg (we're not really sure, someone correct us if them resistance machines are measured in pounds or kilos) and pushed.

After his second rep the exertion on his face was like a scrunched up plasticine model of his face.

By his second set he grunted and made noises and stopped when we commented that it sounded like he was having sex.

Since his legs were pretty much in good shape (the only bits still in good shape, can the gf comment?) he wanted workouts just for the upper body. Hence triceps, biceps, more variations of chest workouts... By the time we got to doing dumbbell flyes, his breathing was like bellows hard at work. Standing over him to make sure he didn't drop the dumbbell on himself meant we got a full force gust to the face.

But with him around we finally have someone to spot for us, especially for free weights bench pressing!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Janvier Soldat And The Thick-Skinned Teabag

Janvier had had a fruitful day at the gym, with enough time for a workout, BodyJam, and after cooling down with cups of 100 Plus, some time in the sauna. The aftermath was that his body was telling him he was an old man already - he wonders if he could do back-to-back classes again. Seriously, he thinks, no more sauna. Sweat like crazy only.

As he leaves and heads back to iKano where Aidan awaits, he decides to stop by iKea. Not to buy something for free parking, since he didn't have anything to buy at the moment and would just rather pay the RM1, but there was something he wanted to try out.

He prepares, then head to the counter.

"Next please!"

"Hi! Kita nak muka tebal sikit, ya."


"Kalau kita tak beli apa-apa, masih boleh dapat teh atau kopi percuma tak?"

"Ah you bagi saya coupon tu, saya akan bagi you cawan la."

"Oh, OK!"

So it turns out being an iKea Friends just gets better.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Janvier Soldat And The ShufflePod Meme

Now the Nut has been putting up memes for the last couple of weeks which provide good fillers should Janvier run of out something to blog about. Fact is, it's not that he's coming up empty on stuff to write, it's just that the time he spends in front of his PC is now relegated to time spent in front of the telly watching DVDs.

It's no secret that Janvier had bitten the forbidden fruit long ago, and it has consumed his soul ever since. It's not been easy for the Chief to be around Janvier at times since they will inadvertedly end up looking at Apple stuff, but the Chief thank the stars that Janvier has not started acting like one of the staff in the iPhone/iPod Guided Tour videos.

Nevertheless, Janvier read the memes and the one about having his iPod play songs at random to answer questions (there's been a variant of this about online already, yes?) tickled his fancy. See, initially he had this idea where he'd use the Comic Touch app and answer every question for the meme in a photo. Like for the first question.

Of course, while Comic Touch allows Janvier to make quick and easy comics using photos he already has, the number of questions and finding appropriate photos to use for each question makes this not worth the effort, and so he'll just stick to shuffling songs on his iPod to answer the meme.

So, the rules:

1. Put your iPod on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

What does the next year have in store for you?

No Need To Argue, by The Cranberries. Janvier likes this answer, as he is naturally a peaceful innocent angel and does not like conflict and will live happily ever after. The photo above says it all.

What does your love life look like next year?
Bye Bye Bye, by N'SYNC. This should mean that Janvier and the Chief are saying goodbye to arguments!

What do you say when life deals you a bad hand?

Dirt Lands Theme, from Heroes Of Might & Magic IV Soundtrack. Possibly Janvier is meant to take a trip to the countryside in Ireland or the highlands and take it easy. Or survive on dirt.

Song that reminds you of good times?
The Dream Of Olwen, by Richard Clayderman. Spooky, because if Janvier met someone he knew who he'd thought had passed away, he might be reminded of good times he'd had with said person. If there were any, of course. Then he can go get freaked out.

What do you think when you get up in the morning?
Tangled, by Maroon 5. How very true! Janvier wakes up most morning tangled up between his two pillows, two bolsters, iKea knee prop and his quilt. Thus waking up feeling all aching and liable to just continue hitting the snooze button while he untangles himself.

What song will you dance to at your wedding?

Leto Atreides II, from Children Of Dune soundtrack. Not really what Janvier would expect to dance to, knowing that Canon In D would feature heavily if he had any say. But this piece is nice. Think flamenco!

Your favourite saying?
Welcome To My Life, by Simple Plan. You won't hear Janvier say this in a tired, defeated tone, or in an ironic manner, in fact you won't hear Janvier say this at all actually.

Favourite place?
The Contest, from Sweeney Todd soundtrack. Well it's true that Janvier has a morbid interest sometimes, but it would take some rather serious levels of boredom for him to go all the way to a marketplace to watch a contest between two barbers.

What song describes your best friend?
Servant To The Slave, by Capercaillie, from Celtic Circle II. How very odd. While Janvier can say that his friends can be obliging, he doesn't think any one of them are welcome mats to be taken advantage of, really!

What song describes your ex?
Harkonnen Force, by David Arkenstone, from Emperor: Battle For Dune soundtrack. Whoa. Ruthless? Janvier's thankful he doesn't have an ex then!

What song describes yourself?

Kiss, by Artist Formerly Known As Prince. Now this one Janvier felt was better described in a photo.

Where will you be in 10 years?
Canon in D, by Pachelbel. Not sure. Does this mean that our life would be like a canon, each year while have some echo of the year before repeating?

Your love life right now?

Super Mario Sunshine, Mario Scat Version, by The Big Band Of Rogues. Chirpy a capella and bright sunshine!

How will you die?

Flight To The Ford, from The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Rings soundtrack. Janvier loves all the tracks that feature the Nazgul lietmotif! And listen to that! Grand right the bit before they start singing (sounds like our death is a very dramatic moment!)? But will this mean that we die at Weathertop before Aragon saves us? Or that the river will not drown our enemies?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Janvier Soldat And The Things The Electric Minds Have Lost

Now here's something Janvier never knew - Jaya One has a Live Arts stage for performing. He wonders if this is the open stage where there bands play live too at night. Anyways, The Electric Minds Project had an earlier show some time back, but it clashed with Janvier's Australian Week at KLPac (whatmore their venue being near Pasar Seni at the time).

This time around they've come up with The Things That We Have Lost, and it sounds rather depressing. Don't take our word for it though, it's just the impression we've got from their poster.

We wonder if you can bring your own blade to cut wrists. Go watch, and if we hear about suicide rates going up, we'll know it's them who'd done it.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Janvier Soldat And The Hardgainer's Curse

Janvier has always been dagger-eyed by some people because they take a look at his waistline and turn green. While it happens to be his favourite colour, Janvier doesn't think green on the face would be healthy - especially for him when others may do more than just shoot daggers with their eyes.

Certainly he does appreciate the fact that he doesn't need to buy new clothing because he doesn't come across the feeling that his clothes are getting tighter. Although he would also admit that in the past he'd never really had a penchant for clothes shopping so most of what he has are M or free size tees, and comfortable cargoes and jeans.

So he's been told that he's blessed, especially sometimes when they see him eat. What they don't realize is that, Janvier was cursed e'er since he was young.

See, in the early formative years Janvier was walking one day through the lalang (weed) field beside his house to get to the main road, he came across what looked like a bundle of clothes on the small path. As he walked past it, the bundle groaned like an old man, and Janvier jumped. The lalang was as tall as Janvier, at some parts even taller than him (of course, Janvier was still a wee thing then and was still growing up) and anyone could possibly hide undetected in the lalang.

Janvier too a quick look around him, didn't see anyone, and was about to head on when he heard the sound of an old man clearing his throat. Janvier decided that it was probably the wind carrying the sound of some old man, when he heard someone call out, "Boy, help me boy."

Understand, that this was in the early 1990s, when Janvier was still in school being bombarded by Pendidikan Moral and sex offenders weren't too much of a commonplace threat.

Janvier wondered whether the voice was referring to him, but he didn't call out in reply. That would have been like something out of an Enid Blyton book, and somehow Janvier would have felt like an idiot calling out, "Yes, who's there?"

Thinking that the voice likely originated from out of the lalang patch, Janvier turned and was about to walk on when the voice called out again, "Boy, stop! Help me, please! I'm down here!" and the bundle of clothes started shuffling towards him.

Sex offenders may not have been a commonplace threat at that time but snakes in a lalang field definitely were.

Janvier was out of the lalang field in seconds, and he could still hear the voice going moaning sadly.

"Boy, please help me find my badminton racquet...I need my badminton racquet."

Probably his lack of imagination meant that Janvier never thought of the possibility of a ghost. But the voice pleaded so pathetically that Janvier hesitated, and in that instant he saw the handle of a badminton racquet sticking out between blades of lalang. He reached out for the handle and pulled out a badminton racquet - an old wooden badminton racquet, made all the more heavier because it was still in a badminton frame (a wooden square frame clamped about the paddly end of the racquet protecting the racquet).

Armed with the racquet, he walked back into the lalang and reached the bundle of clothes. Not knowing why he did it, Janvier tossed the racquet onto the bundle.

"Thank you, boy! You've found my racquet!"

Janvier refrained from saying how that sounded like a cliched textbook reply, and merely shrugged and said, "Er, no problem," to the bundle of clothes when a tall white stranger dressed in tennis togs walked out from another part of the lalang and picked up the racquet.

"As a reward for finding my racquet, I will grant you a special gift, boy," said the stranger who turns out to be the owner of the voice.

"Er, who are you?" Janvier asks while biting back from adding, "And why do you speak like from some fairytale script?"

"My name is Marre," the stranger says and smiles brightly, showing rows of pearly white that would have put the Darlie face to shame. "Mussel Marre," he quickly added when he saw Janvier's face with an eyebrow raised up in a look of utter skepticism.

"Sounds like a girl's name."

"No it isn't."

"But it does."

"Look, do you want a reward or not?"

"Um, what is it? If it's big and heavy I won't be able to carry it."

"I will give you the power to get ripped, have perfect pecs and chiselled rock-hard 6-pack abs with the least amount of exercise!"

"Er, what are those?"

"It means that if you do regular exercise, you will get all that."

"Errr...exercise ah?" There was an uncertain look on Janvier's face. "This thing you're offering doesn't really sound fun too..."

"You utterly lazy thing! Fine! That you refuse this gift, we'll give you something then! Take the Hardgainer's Way Of Life! May what you eat burn off as you metabolise even faster!"

The stranger than bashes Janvier's head with the racquet, but by dint of good luck only the strings hit him and so the racquet bounced off.

When the stars finally cleared, all Janvier could see was a pile of clothes. Wondering what he was doing standing in the middle of the lalang patch when anytime a snake might just slither out, he quickly headed out and went for lunch, all thoughts about the incident forgotten.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Janvier Soldat And The Glass'ed Water Trap

"I am going to die," thought Click-Taktak (Click-Taktak's language is of a guttural tongue, there is no proper way to pronounce his name). He was currently treading water looking for a hold on the smooth, wet surface of the trap, made even worse because he can look out through the glass wall. Thankfully the water level wasn't high, but he would probably have prefered it to be much much higher. High enough for him to reach the opening of the trap so far up at the ceiling.

His tribe has never had trouble if they'd fallen down wells and such before - they've always been equiped such that any wall would always provide enough traction for them to find a grip. Not this trap, though. Someone had evilly devised such a trap where he not only find a grip, but the walls curved inwards, like a cone tapering at the top.

A sudden, disturbing thought: a large pitcher plant. This water, is it just water?

Click-Taktak tried the wall again.


It was just past midnight when Janvier got back from a musical and supper (A&W's onion rings, ice cream waffle and root beer float, yum!) and was a tad thirsty. Locking the front door as he walks into the house, he takes out his iPod Touch and waits for it to connects online, smiling at the joys of having a wireless router installed at home. After a few seconds, he's online and begins checking his emails. After his emails, he switches to Facebook as he's waiting for a particular reply.

During all this, he proceeds to the kitchen, gets his Starbucks Mug, ice and proceeds to pour himself a glass of water. The house is dark save for the light at the staircase and the kitchen light. Janvier's eyes never left the iPod Touch as he pours himself a glass of water - just like how he always has his nose in a book while eating.

Little did Janvier know, Click-Taktak's fate were in his hands.


Click-Taktak doesn't feel tired. He's just feeling a bit lost, wet and confused. It's a while now and he doesn't feel anything from the water except for getting wet. No burning, no itchiness, and he doesn't notice any peeling or reddishness. That's a good sign.

While the trap may be made of glass, the images were distorted. So much so that when someone approached the trap he looked like a deformed giant to Click-Taktak! His heart pounding, Click-Taktak didn't dare move a muscle, hoping that whoever it was approaching the trap was not his captor coming to enslave, or worse, kill him...

After a while, Click-Taktak realized he was holding in his breath. He exhaled slowly and noted that the giant did not pay him any attention, although he was clearly near the trap. Click-Taktak was unnoticed as of now.

Slowly, he backed away to the wall away furthest from the giant and tried climbing again...


Emails took a bit of time getting through, and the ice in Janvier's cup had already melted by the time he took a second sip of water. He hadn't gotten his reply yet, and guess it'll come in tomorrow morning instead. He finally takes his eyes off the iPod Touch and turns to finish his cup of water.


Click-Taktak's heart was pounding. The giant was taunting him, tormenting him, like a cat to a mouse! No, not a giant, but a monster! Whichever wall Click-Taktak was near by, horrible shadows loomed over him and the walls thundered!

"Please let this be a dream..." whimpered Click-Taktak. He can't even be sure if he'd relieved himself, he was wet all over as the water spashed all over.


Janvier continued staring at the jug of water with a grim look on his face, his lips pressed so hard together they formed a thin line and his eyebrows a V on his forehead. We don't feel like throwing up, in fact we don't feel nauseated, he thought. That's good. If we had felt bile rising and the urgent need to go throw up, your fate would have already been decided.

Janvier just sat there, looking into and occasionally slapping the sides of the jug. He had a tricky decision to make here.

Should he just leave the jug alone, and let mum learn the truth the next morning? Most likely, things might have taken a turn for the worse and the jug would have to be thrown away.

Should he wash the jug now?

While thinking about it, Janvier updated his Facebook status:

Janvier Soldat the humanitarian contemplates a lizard's fate.

In the end, Janvier took the jug out to the back lane, threw the water away into the general direction of the neighbours drain, checked that the lizard was no longer in the bloody jug, filled it with water and soap and went to shower.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Janvier Soldat And The Police Report

Some Saturdays ago, Janvier was out and about town, namely the Bangsar area. Having been informed that Bangsar Shopping Centre was finally opened, he planned to go wander about BSC and Bangsar Village and finishing with dinner somewhere, with the Chief in tow.

Window shopping is fine, really, but sometimes the best way for window shopping to remain as window shopping, you need the correct company. Already an evangelist for the 'Don't Think, Just Buy!' movement, it would not have gone well if Janvier headed out alone or with other members of the movement.

Upon reaching home at the end of the day, Janvier suspected that he was missing something. A card holder.

"Accio card holder!"

Nothing. There was a perplexed look on Janvier's face as he scanned his bedroom.

"We're pretty sure we brought it along. Maybe Aidan has it," he thought.

When Aidan turned out empty-handed too, Janvier got slightly worried. He sent word to the Chief, who also turned up with zero results.

There was no choice but for Janvier to zip back to all the places he'd been to ask about for his card holder. Not only were there various membership cards, but to keep the bulk out of his wallet Janvier had also placed in a few credit cards in said card holder.

He was vexed with the fruitless results...that he went to the gym to work it off and sink into escapism and denial.

By Monday Janvier decided that he had to call the companies to have the cards blocked.

A quick conversation with Citibank and Janvier was informed that the RM50 service charge for blocking and replacing his card would be waived when he sends them a police report. Allianz Alliance told him the same thing. RHB replaced it FOC. To Janvier's relief, there were no charges over the weekend when the cards were missing.

Deciding to make the police report (his first ever!), Janvier stepped into a police station one fine afternoon, feeling unsure of what to do. Police at the counter were seeing to civilians, and so Janvier took a seat and waited, certain that they'd have noticed his presence and would summon him soon. With a clear conscience (some scrying previously had revealed to Janvier that he has no traffic offenses with the police) Janvier waited his turn.

What would look like a fairly quick process of explaining to the police the situation and lodging a report took 2 hours as Janvier had to wait for a family to finish explaining to the police about how their child was bullied by an entire school of student and teachers to how there were murderous intent against mummy dearest.

"Think of the service charges being waived...think of the service charges being waived..." Janvier thought to himself while wishing how he had a Time-Turner.

Soon enough it was Janvier's turn to make his report, and Janvier resisted snatching the keyboard from the policeman because the policeman was fingertyping. Next time, Janvier thought, we will draft out the report and then come here. Although Lord forbid that there should be any next time. We wonder if we can make the report in English?

All in all, the police report took 15 minutes - and Janvier soon had owls deliver it to the companies.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

V Wonder Y 2

Dat ppl write so differenly wen on GTalk or MSN or smsing? Sumtimes read also de way ppl write liddis vely sien wan. Lol. V admit v oso got write short form but v dun tink v write until watever can shorten must shorten n it sounds like v r Chinese who dun speak English a lot. Rotfl. Gtg.