Hopes and Fears

Hopes and fears are something that keep us alive.

I hope for the best but I fear the worse.

Hope allows us to continue living this sometimes dreadful, sometimes wonderful existence. If we hadn't hope, some of us would have jumped off a cliff or similar a long time ago. Imagine going through the drudgery of day-to-day without hope, like walking through a dark tunnel with no light at the end, if there is an end to the tunnel. It's hope that drives one forward:

I should get that bonus/promotion/confirmation by the end of this year!
Someone will come rescue us.
He/She is still single...
Maybe today will be different.
He/She will get better soon...

I hope that things will always remain the same even though I fear that can never be true.

I must say that I tend to live my life partly on a day-to-day basis, I haven't any plans or ambitions for the future. Maybe because part of my life has been handed to me on a plate and I did not question it. But now, life isn't that simple anymore. You could say that 'life sucks once you enter the workforce' but really, life just sucks when you're forced into a change of lifestyle that takes you out of your comfort zone with no aim.

I hope to live simple but I fear its complicated.

I used to be happy with the fact that I was able to stay up all night and take things slowly and leisurely. Now, that's a luxury. Waking up early is mandatory, you've to rush through things everyday, days off are rare and coveted.

And I've to start thinking of the future.

Financing for a car? A house? For retirement? For emergencies? To take holidays? I even have trouble financing my monthly expenditure! And that scares me, because sooner or later there won't be anyone around who can help me. I never really give much thought to anything beyond a month, unless it was a special occasion!

I hope to save enough money to travel by next year but I fear my spending habits make it difficult.

Fear, however, is what keeps us alive instead of blindly rushing into things without care of safety or consequence. It stops us from 'acting now, think later'. Fear for the sake of loved ones, fear of our lives and health, fear of the future...Fear is necessary. But should we let our fears get the better of us? How much fear is good? How do we know our fear isn't actually holding us back from achieving our hopes?

What if this new job I'm applying is worse than my last?
My parents won't approve of him/her/about this.
If I move overseas, I'll be alone...
What if he/she rejects me?
Would this business venture work?
I don't want to get out of bed!

I hope to be happy as a bachelor-for-life but I fear it'll be a rocky road.

I'm a rather shy, timid and tacit person. I don't generally make the first move, and I only show more of myself in the presence of friends. For example, when I go for Bodycombat/Bodyjam alone when the others aren't free I just go through the class as usual but I wouldn't interact with anyone before/after that. Mebbe smile/nod acknowledgement to other regulars, but will only reply if asked, "Where're your other friends?" And then remain in my private cocoon like I do with my lunch breaks during work.

Yeah, it's also my fault because I don't put in any effort to be more sociable. Otherwise I would have probably be much more friendlier with the choir group I was in in Strathclyde. See me, come to practise with my ears plugged in and face stuck in book, join in the singing, and leave after as I came. With the Fencing Club it was my batchmate who did the chatting and I hid in her shadow, joining in conversations occasionally but only with her.

My fault because I fear the effort needed to be sociable. Because I fear my approach isn't correct for building friendships but only acquaintences.

I hope I'm still able to remain aloof but I fear I'm not able to cope without friends anymore.

Now that I'm no longer studying the number of familiar faces has dropped. Thankfully doing my housemanship there was a group of us. And working in a retail pharmacy I met my junior there, along with other pharmacists who were easy to mix with. One thing I suspect difficult when I first tried a sales job was that there wasn't anyone that I could relate to - no one my age mainly or was a pharmacist. Man, I was suppose to be quite independant.

With most friends I don't share much because I fear their reactions (knowing some people). But the quality time spent with my friends now is much better, because with them I am able to be more open. And a part of me actually is afraid about this, because it makes it hard to live without them when they're gone (God forbid anything bad happens). When you've learnt to open up, it's hard to close up and be a recluse again.

I hope to be able to admit some things but I fear rejection.

How would I expect to meet new people, or at times when I contemplate about it, establish a relationship if I dare not make a move? One thing to fear rejection but I dread that it'll lead to a total cut-off. I really let fear control my life on this point. And I cannot move on until it's too late and there is no hope. Then life would move on, with new hopes and fears.

I hope some things were otherwise but I fear that's just wishful thinking.

So. I've been told that I have no backbone, which is true because I let my fears cripple me. How about you?